Sunday, October 9, from two to four, One More Page Books, an independent bookstore and wine shop, will host five authors:
William R. Meara, author of Contra Cross, a retired Special Forces and Foreign Service officer’s account of US involvement in El Salvadore and Nicaragua in the 1980s; Kathleen S. Ermini, author of Their Shadows Remain, a novel about the homefront during World War II; Vee Daniels, author of The Seeds of Graceton, a historical novel set during the homesteading of North Dakota; David J. Reimer, author of Micro-Distilleries in the US and Canada, which is about high-grade booze; and me.
As you can see, this is a pretty diverse group, so there should be some good discussions. As you can also see, I’m the weirdo in the group.
This is not the kind of event at which I stand in front of you and read from my book. Just show up between two and four and we can talk about books. If I get boring, there are four more people to talk to. If you don’t have a copy of BoF yet, this is an opportunity to pick up a copy and hang out. Whether you have a copy or not, this is an opportunity to buy wine.
Directions and more on the store here.
n my book here.
I look pretty pissed off in that pic. I think I was reading a sonnet about Superman when it was taken. Anyway, there are a few new things going on.
First, Anita Dalton of I Read Odd Books is having a Bizarro week. She is reviewing five Bizarro books, including my own, on her book review site. Anyone commenting on any of the reviews is entered to win a set of all five books. Comment on all five reviews for five chances to win. Take a look at the site. She explains my book better than I can.
Bitsy Bling Books recently interviewed James Steele, the author of Felix and the Sacred Thor. I will be interviewed on the 7th. There’s a whole mess of Bizarro reviews if you scroll down.
My Bucket of Face Facebook page has passed 100 likes, and I have given away two care packages so far. There will be a new winner every week all summer. Just like the page to enter.
Finally, John Skipp is working to create a zombie movie. It will be a live-action musical with puppets, singing, dancing, and smashing zombies with baseball bats. It is customary for a NBAS author to donate a month’s royalties to a worthy cause. I believe this is a worthy cause. In the month of June, 100 percent of my royalties go to getting this movie made. If I sell 20 books or more, I’ll double the donation. If I sell 40, I’ll shave off my beard and mail it to Skipp with the check. Check out the link to see a trailer. This movie must be made.
The most exciting news for me right now is that Joseph Wargo, a true Bizarro, recently hitchhiked to Forest Lawn to read the last chapter of Bucket of Face outside the window of Michael Jackson’s crypt. I wish I could have been there. If you’ve read the book, this makes a lot of sense. If not, this takes some explaining. See, one of the main characters of my book is a hitman who is a massive Michael Jackson fan, so much so that he dresses up like MJ when he goes out on hits and dances to his songs while killing people. The final chapter is set in Forest Lawn Cemetary, MJ’s final resting place. You can read excerpts on GoogleBooks and Amazon. Check out Wargo’s blog. He has a perspective on most things that you’ve probably never considered.
The next most exciting thing is that Garrett Cook’s long-awaited Jimmy Plush has finally come out. For two years, this book was the Duke Nukem Forever of Bizarro literature. If I hadn’t seen excerpts of the book, I would have assumed it was vaporware. Now it’s out. Together with Squidpulp Blues and Bucket of Face, it makes up the Bizarro noir trifecta. A couple days ago, the three of us sat down to discuss crime. The transcript of that roundtable discussion will soon be released on the new Bizarro Central site, which is now the place for all Bizarro lit news and other assorted weirdness.
Next up, the blog I Read Odd Books will, from 6/27 to 7/1, be featuring five Bizarro authors, including me. Anyone who comments on any of the reviews will be entered into a drawing to win all five books. If you comment on all five reviews, you have five chances to win.
I now have a Bucket of Face page on Facebook. I also have a bunch of BoF swag–tee shirts, notebooks, posters, etc.– so once I hit 100 likes, I’ll start weekly drawings. Everyone who liked the page is already entered. I pay postage and handling.
So I’ve covered what’s going on and how to get free stuff. The next question is how to get involved. The obvious answer on how to get involved is to read Bizarro books. You read the books, you review the books you like, and you spread the word. You get to know the authors on FB or Goodreads. This has always been a very fan-friendly genre. If you have a favorite author living near you, he or she will probably meet you for a beer because, well, we like fans and beer. Well, now there’s a way to get something back for what you put into the Bizarro community. By joining the Bizarro Brigade, you earn points for your involvement in the genre, which add up to rank and free books. Even entering as a private, you get a free ebook to review. If you have already reviewed a number of Bizarro books, you can enter as a SGT or LT. You could always get to know the authors just by asking, but with this program, you can get involved in the publishing process. It should be a lot of fun.
Spread the word. Spread the weird.
And, sorry, I have to include this:
As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I was published as part of a batch of new writers. However, some of those writers are not getting the attention they deserve. So here’s the deal: if you order Love in the Time of Dinosaurs, Felix and the Sacred Thor, or How to Eat Fried Furries before the end of May and let us know about it, you’ll be entered into a drawing to win the other six books in the NBAS series. To make your odds of winning better, we have two sets of books we’re giving out. Go here for the details on how to enter.
Thousands are reported dead and thousands more are missing after a small but vocal group of Christians expecting the rapture were attacked by a large bird. The streets are slick with blood and citizens are asked to avoid unnecessary travel until the streets can be cleared, leaving several municipalities baffled as to how to pay for the cleanup of blood and body parts.
“The street sweeping budget is pretty fixed,” said a District of Columbia government employee who chose to remain anonymous. “Our snowplowing budget was used up by February.”
At exactly six o’clock, the raptor appeared in several cities, snatching up the faithful, either carrying them to the tops of buildings to peck at their chests or spiriting them off to an undisclosed location. Many of the saved have been lifted into the heavens only to be dropped from the raptor’s talons onto local thoroughfares, making streets impassible.
“At first, I thought it was an angel,” said Paul Kimbal, whose wife was taken by the raptor. “I said, ‘Christ on my cock, honey, you might be right about this church shit!’ But when she was snatched up, I could see it was just a bird.”
When reached for comment, Brother Harold Camping said this was exactly the kind of disaster he’d dedicated his life to preventing. “I tried to warn people about the raptor for several years. I don’t even know what people are doing outside today.” Mr. Camping, who set up an international radio warning system to alert the faithful on the dangers of raptors, expressed disappointment in his followers. “I mean, look at me. I’m in the basement. There are no raptors down here.” When asked why the raptor only seemed to be eating Christians, he said, “Would you like to eat a bunch of sinners?” The raptor has answered no phone calls and has so far been unavailable for comment.
As we all know, the rapture is occurring this Saturday at 6:00 p.m., so it is very important to make sure you are saved by then. If you aren’t saved, you won’t have the opportunity to play these awesome pranks on the unsaved. If you haven’t been born again yet, do it now. If you already have been, do it again. Make peace with your god and have a couple backup gods in place. Once things are square with the man, go out and do some practical jokes.
However, don’t forget preparation. Before you go out and do any of this stuff, remember the small things. Put people on hold. Set all the alarm clocks in your apartment. Order pizzas. Make appointments. Pledge a large cash donation to NPR and PBS. Call the LDS and Jehovah’s Witnesses and ask them to send over someone you can talk to – tomorrow. With that taken care of, it’s time to fuck with the unsaved.
1) The Wall. Like many of these pranks, this one will require perfect timing, so make sure your watch is set to the right time. To get a good crowd together, use magnets; try shouting or wearing a superhero costume. Once people are watching, run full speed toward a brick wall. Just as the time goes from 5:59 to 6:00, dive head-first toward the wall. When you get raptured, everybody will think you’re inside the wall.
2) Noah’s Ark. Start building a boat in your backyard. Borrow tools from your neighbor. Use magnets to build the boat faster. Around 5:45, start making a lot of noise and using wood from your neighbor’s fence so he will come and ask what you’re doing. Tell him you’re building an ark because God is going to flood the world. When he says that was in the Old Testament, say, “Wait. What was the other thing? The other end of the world?” When he says, “The rapture,” just keep laughing until you disappear.
3) Infinite Flight. Get a boomerang and take it to a public park where there is a lot of open space. You should arrive early so you can practice throwing a boomerang and having it come back to you. Just a few seconds before 6:00, give it a good, hard throw. With no you to fly back to, the boomerang will just keep circling the spot.
4) Teeter-Totter. Go to the park and try to get people to go on the seesaw with you. Set up a game of tug-of-war. Build a human pyramid. Challenge your friends to a game of hide and seek.
5) One Ring. Go to the jewelry counter of any department store and say you’re looking for one ring. Keep trying on different rings until 5:59. At this point, declare that the ring you’re about to try on is precious.
6) Mary Poppins. There are some who believe that people won’t just disappear during the rapture but will be physically pulled up into the sky. If you think that’s the way it’s going to go down (up, whatever), get a large black umbrella, a nice, roomy handbag, and a gray dress if you’re a woman. Men should dress like chimney-sweeps. Make sure the umbrella is open at 6:00. This is also a good time to dig those Superman costumes out of the closet. Just don’t dress up like Neo. Once one guy dresses up like Neo, everybody wants to be Neo. It’s a massive pain.
7) Jacob Marley. Whether you’re about to fly or about to disappear, you’re about to do some crazy, ghostly shit, so act the part. Make up your face to look very pale. Get chains and a fog machine. Moan a lot and talk like you’re very far away. Once you’ve practiced this and have it down, find a cave or basement to hang out in.
8 ) Not Going Anywhere For a While? Go to to a nonbeliever’s house with a copy of Left Behind and a Snickers bar and ring the doorbell.
9) Candlejack. It’s an old meme, I know, but really, who would have thought there would be a situation in which this meme would be funny again? At about 5:55, walk up to someone and start a conversation about Candlejack. Then, in the middle of the coversat
A few years ago, I spent a lot of time listening to Christian Family Radio. I listened for five reasons: the music on the radio in DC isn’t very good; the content broadcasted was a lot of fun in a politically incorrect, transgressional way–instructions on training your children to tell non-CFR-Christians they are going to Hell and instructions on how to tell people from other faiths that they are an offense to God and man come to mind; I was dealing with a fundie who had entered my life who was just as batshit as Brother Harold Camping; his take on scripture is hilarious to anyone with a basic Catholic education or (what’s usually more intensive) an atheist’s education in scripture; and, most importantly, it was an old man speaking slowly. I love the sound of an old man speaking slowly. However, Garrison Keillor is only on the radio early in the morning or on weekends, so for several months, I listened to this guy talk about how and when the world was going to end and how cool it would be. If you don’t know yet (spoiler alert), it ends in October, but the rapture is this Saturday.
Now, most of my readers are not of the saved variety, but for those of you who are, I have a few suggestions on things you can do before you ascend to glory.
1) Sell me your property. After Saturday, you won’t need it, but for people like me who will be left behind, the property can be very valuable. I’m only interested in property you own outright. Considering the real estate market, I will not take on any mortgages. I’m interested in farmland, houses, condos with reasonable condo fees, shares in profitable businesses, and items of easily-appraised value like gold, heavy equipment, real estate, and firearms. Please understand that I cannot pay market value for them, since the world will be destroyed in October, but I can give you a couple bucks that you can donate to charity, thus ensuring your eternal reward. Any serious proposals can be sent to BucketOfFace@gmail.com.
2) Buy a lot of books. All of these aspiring authors would appreciate the gesture. None of them will be raptured, so after the rapture they will probably pray for you. Besides, if you use your credit card, it doesn’t cost you anything. Let the suckers try to collect on your account when you’re in Heaven.
3) Donate money to the production of this movie. It’s about zombies, and it’s a musical. When Jesus was crucified, the zombies rose from their graves. I can only assume the same will happen around the rapture. Besides, Jesus was in a musical and a few movies, so he would definitely approve. And this movie is in 3-D. How awesome is that? Again, pay by credit card to avoid ever having to actually pay for it.
4) Attend the Christian music festival in June and donate money to Christian Family Radio. How can you be raptured in May if you don’t show your support of the Christian Family Radio message by jamming out in June? Fortunately, Christian Family Radio still has its donation site up, so you can pledge a shitload of money on a monthly or annual plan and buy redemption with money you’ll never have to pay to a station that will not exist in a few days. Again, they accept credit cards. Suckers.
5) Buy 100 copies of Bucket of Face and burn them. To get the books on time, you might have to order from several booksellers and use express shipping. This book should be burned because it contains blasphemy, unnatural sex, acceptance of those different from us, and all kinds of things that do not support traditional family values. As before, pay by credit card. For extra rapture points, write “Koran” on the covers before you burn them. Nobody will notice the difference.
Just last November, we turned back our clock,
and with that extra hour that we found,
we interrupted our late midnight walk
beneath a tree. Ripe acorns snapped the ground.
And since said time I’ve loitered on the spot,
snow-sprinkled in post-coital solitude,
to reheat moldy memories I bought
with this hour’s debt and what use has accrued.
Now, in the fountain, orange Asian fish
hide from my shadow as I pay respect
to what I owe to winter as I wish
you would remember or Time would neglect
collection. Mountains green but frozen still
are west of where we lingered, cold skin tight.
I don’t know if you’ve paid this debt or will
or which range lies between us two tonight,
but only that we’re here and here must stay,
resigned into the latest pose we’ve chosen
when struck by showy streaks of early day,
like fantail goldfish when the fountain’s frozen.