New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t know what chai is and I don’t care,
But I won’t date another girl who drinks it.
I will not date a woman with a Mac,
Who drives a Beetle, or buys scented candles.
I will not smile at other people’s children,
But I will talk with other people’s dogs.
I’ll smell a drink before I take a sip.
I won’t write emails after 10 p.m.

I’ll lose ten pounds, three friends, this dead-end job;
Quit drinking every time I’m out of beer;
Stay celibate for most of every day.

I’ll lose this list before the week is out.
I’ll end up doing what I always do,
And this year I resolve to not get caught.