Five Things to Do Before the Rapture
A few years ago, I spent a lot of time listening to Christian Family Radio. I listened for five reasons: the music on the radio in DC isn’t very good; the content broadcasted was a lot of fun in a politically incorrect, transgressional way–instructions on training your children to tell non-CFR-Christians they are going to Hell and instructions on how to tell people from other faiths that they are an offense to God and man come to mind; I was dealing with a fundie who had entered my life who was just as batshit as Brother Harold Camping; his take on scripture is hilarious to anyone with a basic Catholic education or (what’s usually more intensive) an atheist’s education in scripture; and, most importantly, it was an old man speaking slowly. I love the sound of an old man speaking slowly. However, Garrison Keillor is only on the radio early in the morning or on weekends, so for several months, I listened to this guy talk about how and when the world was going to end and how cool it would be. If you don’t know yet (spoiler alert), it ends in October, but the rapture is this Saturday.
Now, most of my readers are not of the saved variety, but for those of you who are, I have a few suggestions on things you can do before you ascend to glory.
1) Sell me your property. After Saturday, you won’t need it, but for people like me who will be left behind, the property can be very valuable. I’m only interested in property you own outright. Considering the real estate market, I will not take on any mortgages. I’m interested in farmland, houses, condos with reasonable condo fees, shares in profitable businesses, and items of easily-appraised value like gold, heavy equipment, real estate, and firearms. Please understand that I cannot pay market value for them, since the world will be destroyed in October, but I can give you a couple bucks that you can donate to charity, thus ensuring your eternal reward. Any serious proposals can be sent to BucketOfFace@gmail.com.
2) Buy a lot of books. All of these aspiring authors would appreciate the gesture. None of them will be raptured, so after the rapture they will probably pray for you. Besides, if you use your credit card, it doesn’t cost you anything. Let the suckers try to collect on your account when you’re in Heaven.
3) Donate money to the production of this movie. It’s about zombies, and it’s a musical. When Jesus was crucified, the zombies rose from their graves. I can only assume the same will happen around the rapture. Besides, Jesus was in a musical and a few movies, so he would definitely approve. And this movie is in 3-D. How awesome is that? Again, pay by credit card to avoid ever having to actually pay for it.
4) Attend the Christian music festival in June and donate money to Christian Family Radio. How can you be raptured in May if you don’t show your support of the Christian Family Radio message by jamming out in June? Fortunately, Christian Family Radio still has its donation site up, so you can pledge a shitload of money on a monthly or annual plan and buy redemption with money you’ll never have to pay to a station that will not exist in a few days. Again, they accept credit cards. Suckers.
5) Buy 100 copies of Bucket of Face and burn them. To get the books on time, you might have to order from several booksellers and use express shipping. This book should be burned because it contains blasphemy, unnatural sex, acceptance of those different from us, and all kinds of things that do not support traditional family values. As before, pay by credit card. For extra rapture points, write “Koran” on the covers before you burn them. Nobody will notice the difference.