Problem Rapture? Ten Ways to Troll the Unsaved

As we all know, the rapture is occurring this Saturday at 6:00 p.m., so it is very important to make sure you are saved by then. If you aren’t saved, you won’t have the opportunity to play these awesome pranks on the unsaved. If you haven’t been born again yet, do it now. If you already have been, do it again. Make peace with your god and have a couple backup gods in place. Once things are square with the man, go out and do some practical jokes.

However, don’t forget preparation. Before you go out and do any of this stuff, remember the small things. Put people on hold. Set all the alarm clocks in your apartment. Order pizzas. Make appointments. Pledge a large cash donation to NPR and PBS. Call the LDS and Jehovah’s Witnesses and ask them to send over someone you can talk to – tomorrow. With that taken care of, it’s time to fuck with the unsaved.

1) The Wall. Like many of these pranks, this one will require perfect timing, so make sure your watch is set to the right time. To get a good crowd together, use magnets; try shouting or wearing a superhero costume. Once people are watching, run full speed toward a brick wall. Just as the time goes from 5:59 to 6:00, dive head-first toward the wall. When you get raptured, everybody will think you’re inside the wall.

2) Noah’s Ark. Start building a boat in your backyard. Borrow tools from your neighbor. Use magnets to build the boat faster. Around 5:45, start making a lot of noise and using wood from your neighbor’s fence so he will come and ask what you’re doing. Tell him you’re building an ark because God is going to flood the world. When he says that was in the Old Testament, say, “Wait. What was the other thing? The other end of the world?” When he says, “The rapture,” just keep laughing until you disappear.

3) Infinite Flight. Get a boomerang and take it to a public park where there is a lot of open space. You should arrive early so you can practice throwing a boomerang and having it come back to you. Just a few seconds before 6:00, give it a good, hard throw. With no you to fly back to, the boomerang will just keep circling the spot.

4) Teeter-Totter. Go to the park and try to get people to go on the seesaw with you. Set up a game of tug-of-war. Build a human pyramid. Challenge your friends to a game of hide and seek.

5) One Ring. Go to the jewelry counter of any department store and say you’re looking for one ring. Keep trying on different rings until 5:59. At this point, declare that the ring you’re about to try on is precious.

6) Mary Poppins. There are some who believe that people won’t just disappear during the rapture but will be physically pulled up into the sky. If you think that’s the way it’s going to go down (up, whatever), get a large black umbrella, a nice, roomy handbag, and a gray dress if you’re a woman. Men should dress like chimney-sweeps. Make sure the umbrella is open at 6:00. This is also a good time to dig those Superman costumes out of the closet. Just don’t dress up like Neo. Once one guy dresses up like Neo, everybody wants to be Neo. It’s a massive pain.

7) Jacob Marley. Whether you’re about to fly or about to disappear, you’re about to do some crazy, ghostly shit, so act the part. Make up your face to look very pale. Get chains and a fog machine. Moan a lot and talk like you’re very far away. Once you’ve practiced this and have it down, find a cave or basement to hang out in.

8 ) Not Going Anywhere For a While? Go to to a nonbeliever’s house with a copy of Left Behind and a Snickers bar and ring the doorbell.

9) Candlejack. It’s an old meme, I know, but really, who would have thought there would be a situation in which this meme would be funny again? At about 5:55, walk up to someone and start a conversation about Candlejack. Then, in the middle of the coversat